Archive for January, 2011


One of my favourite past times is cooking trying to cook. So I invited one of my chinese friends over to teach me the art of making and cooking my own dumplings, of course this to impress all my friends and family that I’m not just a guy without skills.

The ingredients that you will need are:

2 cooks. One that knows how and the other to look stupid and confused, the latter was me.  Mince meat (Pork or beef), flour, celery, garlic, ginger, soya sauce, caraway, spring onion,egg, salt

"What You Need, minus some of the stuff"

 The first thing I noticed when we started was that I was out of my league. Vivan meant business, out came the aprons, knives and rollers. Don’t ever get in a knife fight with Chinese cause you are gonna lose, they are packing. They say ‘size doesn’t matter’ but whoever said that doesn’t know dick about cooking.

"Size does Matter"

After I got over my SKS (small knife syndrome)  I went to work on the celery. I started chopping and chopping and yes you guessed it more chopping, finally I had made it to about half way through the pile. I stopped to rub some “Deepheat” on the strained back muscles and went back from more. I was not gonna quit in front of a girl, no way, not on my watch! So after what felt like hours I finished the pile, with a heavy sigh I turned to my master chef and said,

“I’m Done”, Yes famous last words. I know!

“Good, so now we can start”, she replied with a smirk on her face.

We started with making the dough, honestly I can say I was useless in that department. It would have been better if a monkey was helping out at that point. With my monkey hands I proceeded to completely mess up the dough. Jesus! It was all going pear-shaped.

"Non-Monkey Hands"

I thought it would be best to take a time out. I stood in the corner looking at the wall, memories from my childhood flashed before my eyes. It wasn’t good.


We all can be cranky if disturbed when sleeping! Am I wrong?

I was on a beach walking with the sun behind my back, the rays gently caressing my skin. The sound of waves washing over my body, filling my senses, alert and content .

"Bliss"

“SNORE”

In the distance I see my Jane, she is walking towards me, a sexy smile on her beautiful face. It has been a long time since I’ve seen her. I long for her. To touch her skin, to hold her in my arms, to laugh at her silly jokes. I am content.

“SNORE”

Jane reaches me,I hold her in a tight embrace unwilling to let go, who knows when next I will hold her like this. The sun feels so warm, a deep bliss emanates from my soul flowing into the world around me. The world seems a better place because of me.

“SNORE”

I awake, gone is the beach and Jane, instead I see my brother sprawled out on his bed. His mouth is wide open and eyes closed, he is enjoying his beach dream.

Bastard!

“SNORE’

“Nic, you clown. If you snore 3 more times you are gonna get it”, I thought to myself.

“SNORE”

“3”

Shifting my weight I turn to the comfort of my bed, Dream please come back!

“SNORE”

“2”

My hand firmly grasps my pillow, hell is about to break loose.

“SNORE”

“1, Nic you son of a bitch!”

My body tense, ready deliver to punishment. I start to ponder… Who am I to punish my brother,doesn’t he have the right to dream aswell. Bullshit, I am Adam and my dreams come first.

“SNORE”

With the speed of a snake striking their victim I unleash the killer blow with the soft yet surprising lumpy death-pillow.

“WACK”

'Wish I had one of these!"

“Hey, whats going on? I just had the scariest dream, I dreamt I got hit by a bus”, mumbled Nic.

“Shut up, you tool and go back to sleep.”

“But it seemed so life-like”

“I said shut up on roll on your stomach”

“Ok, sweet dreams”

“Yes you knob, sweet dreams indeed”, I thought to myself. Arranging myself in prime sleeping position, waiting for my Jane to come back. Alas it was too late, she was gone, gone until the next time our worlds met.

I pine, I long.

When I got out of bed I went directly to the kitchen, cursing and banging things. With only one thought in my head.

“I’m gonna poison Nic’s coffee”


Ha Ha, well that’s not far the truth. Being in Dubai does kinda  feel like being  on a desert island, but if I was in an actual desert island I think it would be pretty funny and scary depending on my mood at that particular moment.

I could imagine myself running around half-naked, a mad gleam in my eyes, crying and sobbing . Or trying to keep myself busy, making up imaginary friends trying to pass the time of day-to-day until I was rescued.

But if I was rescued would I go back? Hhhhmm. To give up the simple life and go back into the rat race, why? Wouldn’t it be better to just live life on an island doing enjoyable things the whole time like fishing, camping and so on. A permanent vacation, sounds good to me. 

Just gotta make sure I know how to make my own booze, because that’s when life could get tough… 

Maybe I would look like this after too long!

Indirect Insults

Posted: 25/01/2011 in Random
Tags: , , , , ,

Yes, finally it has happened! I have run out of indirect insults, so I turn to you my esteemed reader/s for advice. Gone are the days when I can just say

“Beep beep bbeeppp beepper, beep BEEP””

Actually I could never say that but you know what I mean, especially at work, so I reverted to the Indirect Insult. Before you bow down and worship me for inventing this awesome ‘term’ let it be known it  has been around for some time. Yes, it’s true. Way back  when this was the scene.

"Mine is bigger than yours, You Fucking Guy!"

Over the years it has progressed.

"I got here first, you fucking Larney"

And progressed

"You're Such a Nice Cookie, leave my man alone"

And progressed

"Yes You Stupid Tool,I like you kinda"

Even animals use it from time to time

"You Fucking Kudu!"

So now I’m at your whim. I need new ones! Send them in and you shall receive the lucky package, I don’t know what’s in the lucky package. Karma is like that.


So the next big question is, Am I a girly man?

Now you may be thinking what’s going on here, let me explain. Latest statistics show that more and more men now days are concerned about their appearance. Example:  more guys are going to gym, dieting, doing cosmetic surgery and using beauty products.  They are in fact more concerned than most women.

“An area of rapid growth in the sales of beauty products has been in products designed specifically for men. Contrary to popular belief, men are in fact concerned with their appearance, albeit to a lesser extent than women. Although this market is relatively new, experts predict cosmetics for men will be the next big thing in beauty products. ”

My shower but 2 of those are mine!

Mens or Womens?

Ok, let me not get too carried away, women are still the biggest liars/users out there.  As Chris Rock (funny clip)pointed out, women’s faces don’t really look the same without the make-up, they aren’t really that tall, their breasts aren’t really that big. All of it is good advertising!

So back to the point am I a real man if I use facial cream, moisturiser and so on? I don’t really believe in using that stuff but I sure don’t want to look like a wrinkly old man at the age of 40.

So the question is does using beauty products (no make-up!)  Make me a girly man?