Archive for March, 2011

Plant Killer

Posted: 18/03/2011 in Random
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Ok, here’s the deal. In my previous post I mentioned “she” has upgraded my apartment from – 2 star to a respectable 3 star. Part of the improvements was some indoor plants. Four to be exact, namely; Bobby, Charles, Tina and Tool.

Tina and Tool look something like this.

I said look like..

I was happy to have some responsibilities, something to look after and care for. I was pretty excited, but nervous at the same time because my track record for keeping things alive isn’t very good. To put it simply, I could probably kill an inanimate object.

I had my instructions, water them once a week, not too much and not too little and give them sunlight. Pretty simple, right? Well not for me.

Wait, actually I followed those instruction but I must have done something wrong because Tina and Tool started looking sickly. They looked like they had got the Hiv. Plant style.

In a last-minute effort to save their lives “she” took them to a spa for plants, and by spa I mean a proper garden, which in Dubai isn’t the easiest thing to do.

Now I’m just looking after Bobby and Charles, hoping and praying that they don’t contract the deadly Hiv. Also I have started looking after the wall who I have named “Angelina”. I will give updates on Angelina in a couple of weeks. 

New project

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I’m sure I have a split personality. There is “Adam” and then there is “Monkey”.
Generally, I’m a pretty care free person who doesn’t really mind what happens in my personal life, however

Adam is the raging, stern-faced and employee feared monster.

"Ha ha, You all gonna suffer!"

And Monkey, of course the light-hearted, joking naughty little kid.

"Let's have some fun"

The takeover begins… of course when “Monkey” is around. And I only say “Monkey” because that’s what I am called most of the time. Not that I look like a monkey but probably this a nick name in my relationship, designed to subconsciously to put me in my place, so to speak.

And yes, chances are I will get hit with a frying pan when “she” reads this. Already as I’m typing this post, I can feel the blinding pain, the “clang” of hard metal smashing into my soft yet beautiful scalp.

Back to story, I stay in a modest apartment and as Monkey I have  little  no urge to make it look grand or beautiful. I’m 100% happy with the way it is. Yes it looks bare, yes it’s barren, and yes it could look better however, considering that I work most of the time and rarely have friends over there is no actual need to improve it . “She” has taken it as a personal mission to improve my living quarters, and I must admit “she” is damn good at it.

before

Compared to the bland unsightly hovel my apartment has been transformed into a joyous happy home where there are soft under tones of moods and colours, a hint of ying and yang. So now when I come home from work, a tired and beaten “Adam”, I can transform quickly into “Monkey” with the comfort and joy.

After

And at that point I must end it. Before you think I’m a complete Asshole know that I am really happy with what my place looks like now and I prefer being “Monkey”. Currently the score board looks something like this:

“She” 2341

 “Monkey” -513

  “Adam” 6

Thanks Baby for fixing my place!

JackAss cracked me up!!

Posted: 08/03/2011 in Random
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So finally I watched Jackass 3d. One scene really cracked me up. I don’t have anything against midgets however this scene cracked me up. Watch it, it is fucking hilarious!

Burj Al Arab Swim

Posted: 06/03/2011 in Random
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It doesn't look like much, right?

So this morning we had a management in service.  Little did I know that, Wait I did know it was early morning around 7:00am. It was early, it was cold, I was grumpy.

We went over some new CPR skills, yeah in fucking 15 knot winds oooo yeah it felt good, not!

Anyway after that there was a little surprise for us.  A 2oo m sprint and then 1km swim around the burj al arab. Just the way I wanted to start my day at work, Yes!

So anyway In the sprint I thought I had better go for gold and run like a motherfucker only to realize that  after 50 meters I didn’t have the gas. I slowed down, I saw figures zooming past me at an unbelievable rate. I knew my place.

The swim started out pretty good, but soon I understood that 2 years of NO excercise will do you harm. Gasping with breath, I focused on my goal. Fuck it, it was so far away! I regained my composure. I’m a man I can do this. I continued.  Breath after agonising breath I went until I couldn’t do any more.

Ha, time for breaststroke. I hoped no one would see me but with such viewable tattoos it was a wrong guess. Any hoo I finally made it to the finish line in 18:24 minutes.

I ran across the finish line , a stitch so bad I couldn’t breath. But wait who needs to breathe when you’re a machine. Gotta love it and yes, I was beaten by a woman, sshhhhh don’t tell anyone!

Stingers

Posted: 03/03/2011 in Random
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Growing up in South Africa we used to play a game called Stingers.

 The way the it worked was there were maybe 5 or six players, one of the players had a ball of some kind, normally a tennis ball. And the object was obviously to run after the other players and try throw the ball as hard as they could to inflict the most amount of pain,  whoever got “stung” last had the rights to the ball and then became the “stinger”.

There was  no rules in this  kind of setup. You could throw as hard as you wanted and as close as you wanted. Many a tear was shed during these games of true gladiators. This how I shed my tears….

During a highly competitive game I had the ball, my calf was raised and bruised from a killer throw via my brother Nic.I was hunting him down to act on my impulse of revenge. I was seeing red! Walking in a sly, stealthy manner with my new gangster limp(thanks Nic), I saw my target.

It was perfect, I couldn’t have dreamed of a better trap. My sexy neighbour (female, fools!) had come into our garden and was speaking to Nic. He had thought we had called a timeout or something.

I lined up my sights, I was about 4 meters away from him and his back was presented like a summer calls for the rain. I slowed my breathing. Three, Two, One! I threw with all my might. In my mind I could already hearing him screaming in surprise and pain. I was smiling like the sick bastard I am.

I went blind! My head recoiled and a sharp pain filled my head. AAAhhh my eye, my fucking eye. I had miscalculated my shot, I had thrown the ball directly into the wall, it had rebounded and Muphy’s law, struck me in the eye.

I was howling pain, and all I could hear was my brother laughing in the background, Bastard! 

"Stupid Guy"